The First Meeting: What to Talk About

Nobody is at their best in the first ten minutes

The first stretch is chairs, tea, who came with whom, and both of you working out how loud the room is. Nothing is decided in it. If it feels stiff, that is the format, not the two of you.

It helps to know that in advance, because the most common mistake is reading those ten minutes as a verdict and going quiet for the rest.

Ask about ordinary days, not about values

"What are you looking for in a partner?" produces an answer both of you have heard before. "What does a normal Tuesday look like for you?" produces an actual life — when they leave, who cooks, what they do at nine in the evening, whether they see their friends on weekdays.

You learn more from how somebody spends a Tuesday than from anything they can say about themselves in the abstract. It is also much easier to answer honestly, which means you get something true rather than something prepared.

• What does your week actually look like?
• What do you do when you get an unexpected free day?
• Who in your family are you closest to?
• What would you want to change about how you live now?

The awkward things are cheaper to raise now

There is a short list of things that decide whether two lives fit together, and every one of them is easier to ask about in a first meeting than to discover in a sixth.

None of these need a decision on the day. You are finding out whether you want the same conversation again, not signing anything.

• Where you would each expect to live, and whether either of you would move city.
• Whether either of you plans to keep working, change work, or study further.
• How each of your families handles money — jointly, separately, something in between.
• Whether anybody has a timeline in mind, and whose it is.

Questions that only get you the biodata read back

"What are your hobbies?" is already answered on the page in front of them, so the reply is usually the page. Same with education, same with what their father does.

If you want to use the biodata as a starting point, go sideways off it rather than down it. Not "you studied in Pune?" but "what made you pick Pune?" — the second one cannot be answered from the sheet.

Meeting alone, and meeting again

Plenty of families now step away for part of a first meeting, and plenty do not. Either is normal. If you would rather have twenty minutes without an audience, it is a reasonable thing to ask for through whoever introduced you, and asking is not a statement about your family.

It is also entirely normal to want a second meeting before deciding anything. Nobody is expected to know after one afternoon, and saying "I would like to meet again" is an answer in itself.

Saying no

Most matches end in a no, and a clear no early is kinder than a slow one. Say it through whoever made the introduction, say it soon, and do not build a reason that is not the real one — a polite fiction usually invites a counter-offer.

"We do not think it is the right fit, thank you for your time" is a complete answer. You do not owe anybody an itemised explanation, and offering one rarely helps.